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4  Coping with Test Anxiety

Grief and loss affect all of us. Whether it is the loss of a loved one
through death, or the loss you are experiencing through divorce or
other major life transitions, with time and the help of a good
therapist, you can cope. In the initial stages, you may be
overwhelmed by sadness, anger, or shock, or you may feel
“numb.” Accept that everyone copes in different ways, reach out to
professionals who can help you, and talk about what you are
experiencing. The following list contains some suggestions that
many people have found helpful for dealing with grief and loss.

1. Practice good self-care. Self-care means different things
   to different people. For some, it will be important to
   remember to get enough rest. For others, self-care means
   getting exercise and making sure to eat regular, healthful
   meals. Your health matters, and it is important to
   remember to take care of yourself.
2. Consider postponing that major life change that you were about to make. You might wish to postpone major decisions like leaving a job, moving, or planning a major event until after you have had an opportunity to work through the grieving process. Too many life changes at once may be too overwhelming.
3. Use your creativity. Some people find it helpful to write poetry, paint, draw, or write a song about the loss. Using our creative energy in this way can help us process the grief. If you are grieving over the death of a loved one, a creative project can help you celebrate that person’s life and the importance of your relationship. If you are coping with a break-up or some other loss, your creativity can help you find a way to identify and express your feelings.
4. Reach out for social support. Some of your friends may call and offer you their support. Some may not know what to say to you and might not call right away. If and when you are able to talk to them, return phone calls, go out, and talk about your loss if you feel comfortable doing so. It is important not to isolate yourself. Consider meeting with other people who have experienced similar losses.
5. Talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you talk about your grief and can help you identify and express your feelings. If you would like to meet with a therapist, call Dr. Marcelle Holmes at Claremont Counseling and Support Center. Dr. Holmes is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with experience with people just like you who are coping with feelings of grief and loss. She can be reached at the following number: (909) 624-1997.

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Listening is something most of us take for granted. You talk, I respond. Simple as that. Listening is a skill that most of us only assume we are doing properly. However, as marriage and family therapists the most common theme that comes up during counseling is that one of the family members is not listening, or being listened to.

Effective listening is an art that most people need to be taught how to do. It is more than just hearing the words that are spoken.

It is letting the person speaking know that you truly understand what they are saying and that you are hearing what they have to say without judging them or having a hidden agenda of your won. This is called ‘active listening’.

Active listening let’s the other person know that we understand what they are feeling. It let’s our children know that they can discuss things with us and be accepted, not judged for opening up their feelings. It also opens the door for future communication between parent and child.

It is important to listen to our children’s feelings when they try to communicate with us. Listening for feelings is a special skill called ‘reflective listening’. Reflective listening begins with the words ‘you feel’ before the feeling and ‘because’ before the reason you are hearing from your child. We, as parents, are like a mirror reflecting back our children’s feelings. This lets them know they have been truly heard. It is also important to remember that children do not always have the right ‘words’ to describe the way they feel. Children often do not have the vocabulary to express feelings we as adults take for granted.

It can be important for children to have words to describe their emotions, and know that they are safe expressing them. Words for happy feelings can include appreciated, excited, proud and comfortable. Words for upset feelings can include angry, confused, frustrated and hurt.

By using these simple techniques we help our children learn it is ok to open up and share their feelings. We help them gain insight and awareness of their own feelings, attitudes and values. Truly listening to our children promotes a healthier, more intimate parent child relationship.

Scheduled to take a major exam for a class? Is it the LSAT’s?
Or, maybe you are nervous about taking another exam, necessary
for advancement in your career. Some people enjoy the challenge
of preparing for exams. Other people dread it.

Here are four tips for dealing with test anxiety and beginning the
process of becoming a more relaxed test-taker.

1. Learn some relaxation techniques. A little bit of excitement
   is normal and can actually be helpful as you gear up for an
   exam. Sometimes, though, anxiety can be so overwhelming that it prevents us from focusing. Sometimes, learning how to take some deep breaths while you are taking the test can help you calm down and could lead to more creative problem-solving. If you can, you may find it helpful to close your eyes and take several deep slow breaths while studying or during the exam.
   .
2. Talk yourself into it. While you are studying, you might want to record some of the thoughts that you are having. Do you tell yourself that you can never do well? Do you tell yourself that this test is impossible? What evidence do you have that any of these things are true? Have you passed tests before? If so, remind yourself that it is possible to do well and that you have done well in the past. Or, you can tell yourself that other people with similar training and preparation to you have done well in the past. Try to silence the negative self-talk that can sabotage you. When you feel better about yourself and your chances of success, you can be a more confident test-taker.
   .
3. Think about whether your status as a minority might affect you. Some people are vulnerable to a term called “stereotype threat” coined by a researcher named Claude Steele. If you are a woman taking a math exam, for example, you might be thinking about all of the negative stereotypes about women and math, and your preoccupation with these stereotypes may be diverting attention away from the test itself. Talking about the effect of these stereotypes with a therapist might be helpful.
   .
4. Consider therapy. Call Dr. Holmes at Claremont Counseling and Support Center. Dr. Holmes, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, has worked with many individuals with test anxiety and may be able to help you reduce the anxiety so that you can function and perform at your maximum potential.
   You can reach Dr. Holmes at the following number: (909) 624-1997.